same day different engagements

Yesterday we spoke of going to the jungle for 3 days, this is where Sandeep lives. I was reluctant as I would miss 2 classes and said no. I drank the bad wine in the fridge while the girls had vodka and orange juice and decided that I will be back in class in 2 days but I will have to wait 3 years before going to the jungle so after dinner I went to the hospital and told Bhatesh my decision. Mean while Sandeep was on the bus travelling home thinking I am glad they decided not to come because I don't think it is safe here for Omaha and if something should happen it could be frightful. I love how we are all considering all of us so in depth.

Bhatesh and I spoke about a hotel and the properties there of what are the goals what are the ideas what are the places we begin from. I initiated that everything changes and we must go slow due to elements beyond our control.

This afternoon Omaha and I were doing her daily math lesson and there was a knock at the door, our good doctor had come for lunch. We again spoke, and something so endearing about Indians is that they are in numbers no one can gauge and so accustomed to these numbers that being alone is a punishment of sorts. Sandeep was meeting someone today to see if they are suitable life partners, I will be waiting for the answer. This again brought on the topic of me being alone and how worried Bhatesh and Sandeep are for me in this manner. "What are you looking for, Kara, what do you want?" he wanted to know if they had to be American or French and I said no this is not a concern he added that "They need only to understand you then" and this is it exactly. I explained as best as I could that what was priority for me for the past year was, getting permanent residence, passing my exam, and therefore gaining my freedom there was not the space, emotionally nor mentally to bring an element of couple in. A topic we touched upon last night, as all these plans include us and could include anyone but what if, now that I have my freedom to engage in a relationship and surely soon I will, they have other plans. I am understanding the Indian sense of love from Shantaram so much more acutely now than I could have before and Bhatesh is my Prabaker and Sandeep my Johnny. So close we have become in a short time that their concern for mine and Omaha's well being has them cursed.

After Bhatesh left telling me to call him everyday to let him know how we are, I began cleaning up a bit. I went through a bag I have not touched since we came here and I found my house keys. I picked them up and looked at them, felt them in my hand and saw the key that Patrice placed on the ring 2 nights before I left telling me that the bike that owned that key was somewhere locked in Montreal and if I could find it then the bike was mine. I smiled and thought about the picture Anais placed on FB this morning of that party with Jaques in his hat and the vuex tu une biere boys along side. A photo that I took with such abandoned pleasure. I thought of Poy and him requesting at out last meeting that I ,"Do not fall in love with and Indian boy get married and not come back to him to continue our quarrel". I missed Melanie and the way she comes to the house everyday I missed Anais I missed Montreal and the Fridays nights with Mel and Daniel and the kids, I missed Saturdays with the gang at Josee and Eric's. I missed Montreal as I have never missed anywhere other than NY and I missed my people in Montreal as I have only missed my people in NY.

I got what I have needed and what I have worked for and what I have wanted this year.Everything I denied myself has paid because I had pratyhara I had one focus and that was getting here at any cost and any sacrifice and I so I did as was required of me.  I am permanent and free. I will divorced shortly and have double freedom. I passed my first exam that places me on yet another road leading to freedom and I made it to India against all odds due to those dearest to me.

And so in the end I wonder- I know that working in the emergency room is stressful and Bhatesh needs to relax, will it cause him more stress for me to not call in daily and give him the time he needs to rest in quiet or will it disturb him more to not have news. What I have decided is that Sandeep is a loyal reader and so I will blog and know that news is being had and leave the phone calls to when he returns.

I think in the end life takes care of its self and it was meant to be that I stay here alone for these 3 days because yoga teaches us nonattachement and I can begin to release myself from the bonds there of  for this trip has only 14 days left before we go back to Bombay and I leave Poona for 2 years. I can consider what I want, where I want it, with whom I would like it and then make it happen. I have open chapters in Montreal that seek closing or further indulgence and with my new freedom I would like to see them unfold so that what ever choices need to be made they are made for all the right reasons and in all the right actions.

This is probably the longest entry we will have since it has become evident the trip is closing. It is also probably truest to my nature in script and for those of you who read my other blog recognise it's character.

Be well do good work and Salutations from India